I realized that a big part of why I’m not around a lot is because I’ve realized that while Tumblr was helpful in my weight loss efforts, it is not helpful in my attempt to eat intuitively. Every time I see a post about how a person was “good” and refused a cookie/piece of cake/slice of pizza, etc, it makes my food rebel voice want to eat play food I’m not even hungry for just because I can.  I really don’t want to unfollow more people because, really, if I unfollowed every person who talked about food being good or bad, I’d have about 5 people left to follow.

I’m just not sure.

I took my first full-body shots in months while on my walk Friday. I’m putting them below a cut because I’m going to try to be both honest and objective, and I always worry about making people feel bad.

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This post may be a bit incoherent because the subject matter is related in my head though it may not appear to make sense. 

Also, if you would be offended when reading a person at a healthy weight say negative body image things, then just scroll past, but I’m not putting anything under a cut.

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Respecting my fullness is hard, and not just because of my struggles with secret eating and boredom eating and random craving eating and so on.

It’s also hard because I fear going too far.

I’ve talked about how, during one semester in college, I wanted to lose the tiny bit of weight I had gained, and I started exercising pretty often and “eating only when hungry and stopping when full”- basically what respecting your fullness is. This started off with me having to snack pretty often. But it led to me feeling full on less and less until that turning point when it was 2 or 3 pm and all I’d had was a bowl of cereal (and my bowls of cereal have always been close to actually serving size since high school) and a few baby carrots and I wasn’t hungry, but nearly collapsed when getting off a bed.

So it scares me that I won’t be able to find balance. Because I’ve never really had balance.  The swings of a pendulum may come out to an average, but that’s not balance.

I don’t trust myself to respect my fullness while still eating enough long term.

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And then there’s respecting my body. It’s the 8th principle of 10, so I know it’s not something that should come until later, but it’s really the biggest struggle of all. It’s hard looking at old pictures and seeing how small I was, especially the ones from right after Ryland was born. I think about how I got all those comments from strangers about being so small after having a baby and feeling compelled to explain that he’s adopted. Then I gained weight and people stopped saying things.

Sometimes I like that I can actually fill out my bras, but then I turn sideways and see my protruding stomach and those thoughts quickly vanish. then I think, “How could I have let this happen again?” and “How can I fix it without being restrictive?”  

And I wonder what I’ll look like if I do master eating intuitively and properly listen to my fullness signals.

And then I get mad for caring so much what I look like anyway.

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I used to have a secret fitspo blog that I started when I still had hifitness after I stopped reblogging fitspo. I didn’t follow anyone I knew because I didn’t want to be found out. Sometimes I think about going back down that road of the fitspo/thinspo and making myself feel bad but actually losing weight and making another secret, anonymous blog and just carrying on a front here. I haven’t done it, though. Sorry to disappoint you that I think this way and would actually consider it.  I’m right not to visit the blogs of new followers for fear of what I might find because These are still thoughts I struggle with. I know it’s ridiculous of a woman my age.

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tl;dr: Intuitive Eating is hard. My head is still a mess

Earlier this week, I received what is either my last or next to last issue.

For the vast majority of the articles, the motivation for exercise or eating well was to get thin. Snowboarding, skiing, and snowshoeing are valued for calorie burn.  Someone is “hot” if they are thin.

Not that this should be a surprise given the title of the magazine.

But are other health/fitness magazines really any better?  Isn’t the focus of all such magazines on doing healthy things so you look a certain way- not just to be healthy.

Sure, they mention things like the importance of having good blood pressure and cholesterol, but those things are secondary.

Sculpt your delts so you can have a sexy curve to your shoulder- not so you can carry heavy boxes while moving or hold your sick child for hours on end.

Exercise can lower you blood pressure… and make you look hot.

Sleep is important to prevent disease and focus better on work… and because too much or too little leads to weight gain.

If I want new workouts, I can find them online. Same for healthy recipes.

Shape magazine, I won’t miss you.

Don’t be fooled- there are no negative calorie foods.

I saw this making the rounds on pinterest again.

compared to this Thanksgiving…

happyhealthycook replied to your photoset: Flashback Friday Ghosts of holidays past edition …

Holy what the… such a stunning difference then, then and now. Wow!

Thanks!

I’m glad I saw these pics on my computer (while looking for the snow ones for my other blog) because I really needed the reminder- both that I’ve come so far and don’t look terrible and that I need to turn myself around so I don’t go back there.

Flashback Friday

Ghosts of holidays past edition

Thanksgiving ‘04 & Christmas ‘07

Or at least for a while.

As of this morning, since my accountability post last Tuesday, I’m down 3/4” on my stomach & waist. Then I got on the scale and saw 137.6. Only down 0.4 lbs.

My shoulders fell.

Then I came to my senses and realized that the measurements are a much better indicator.

Tonight I’ll ask Jeremy to stick the scale somewhere.

You may be afraid of derailing your progress if you indulge tomorrow.

The typical Thanksgiving dinner does run around 2,600 calories, after all.

You’d have to run a marathon to burn that off.

And the scale might jump 5 pounds overnight.

Or you could think…

It’s only one day.

I can get back on track the next day.

I’ll enjoy my time with family more if I enjoy the food.

In 10 years I won’t remember what the scale said on Black Friday, but I might remember the laughter over dessert.

That’s not even a full pound of extra fat.

Which scenario sounds more healthy and balanced?

2 years ago when I was losing the weight, I enjoyed my holiday meals. I still met my goal.

1 year ago when I was maintaining, I enjoyed my holiday meals. I still stayed in my range.

This year will be no different.

What will you choose?

“I can no longer afford my gym membership and you've lost a lot of weight healthily without it. I was wondering what exercises you do/did at home? xx”

28. Looking back

Neither of these are from the 28th, but I made the collage that day.

I actually posted this on my facebook. I did refrain from making a hinted jab at Advocare.

I suppose I can see some difference. I suppose it’s about 25-30 lbs difference. I wasn’t at my high weight yet.

I was much more in control Sat. & Sun., and so far so good for today.

Cardio can be a trap. Especially if you get your body to the place where you can ONLY see results when you do more of it.

I was there a couple years ago, and it is scary when you are doing 2 hours of steady-state cardio a day, and nothing is changing. Huh? How is that possible? Burning hundreds and hundreds of cals, eating 90% clean and still not losing inches! The answer is because when it comes to exercise, oftentimes it is about HORMONAL signals, not just calories. So you can be burning cals like crazy and despite a caloric deficit, you look the exact same.

The “cardio look” is also a high cortisol look (a “puffy” look). Like Charles Poliquin calls, “The Fat Aerobics Instructor” look. Lots of exercise, especially in the moderate-intensity zone can leave us with chronically high cortisol levels, which can eventually interfere with our insulin metabolism. When this is broken, the thyroid can be affected, the adrenals too. And before we know it, our metabolism is simply not responding despite more and more exercise. Like I said, a TRAP.

Metabolic Effect wrote a great article on this very topic, called “Is Your Metabolism Broken?” which describes the science behind what goes on during this metabolic shift.

So, when I get asked about cardio, and “how much should I do?” my answer is always: As little as possible.

The more you do, the more you have to continue to do to get results. So it is always ideal to do less if you can get away with it. Use weight training as your primary form of exercise to help build muscle and shape the body. Do metabolic conditioning if you want a little higher breathless component. Add 1-2 days of sprints to your routine. 100-200m, resting as long as needed in between and doing 6-10 of them. But keep the moderate duration, steady-state stuff to a minimum.

Like my friend Jen Sinkler says, “I lift weights. For cardio, I just lift weights faster.”

great tips if you are looking to shape your body.

Of course if running/cycling/walking/other steady-state cardio is what you love, then do what you love.

If you didn’t see it, it’s here.

Thank you all for your responses. It was great to have the insight of others.

I think what Lori said in the last message partially explains why I feel like I must tell the stranger that he’s adopted.

I think in the future, I’ll just say, “ummm, thanks…” in the most awkward way possible in hopes that maybe they won’t say something like that to someone else in the future.

oh, and @sparrowrunner & @chelsearuns, thank you!

I’m wondering what you thought my voice would be like, Chelsea. I’m pretty soft spoken about 90% of the time. The other 10% is either when getting onto students (but even then I wasn’t loud) or when I unintentionally talk inappropriately loud for the setting.

and posted it this morning before I weighed myself.

I’ve already changed my mind (again) about not worrying/paying attention to my weight.

127.0.

And my waist is pretty much the same as when I was 122 over 10 years ago.

I’ve got to get a better grip on what I’m eating. I know I was sick one day, but this morning was even lower than yesterday even though I (thought) I ate plenty yesterday. Clearly just eating what I’m hungry for isn’t enough. I’ve even been eating a snack every night before bed even though I’m not hungry then because I always get hungry when I’m up during the night.

I’m not even feeling the stress any more like I was at first when I was adjusting.

Of course, the disordered part of my brain is cheering because I’m almost the smallest I’ve ever been. I’m just going to have to fight that to do what I have to to take care of myself so I can take care of Ryland.

I guess it’s for the best that I haven’t had the opportunity to run because then I’d be burning energy I don’t have stored away.

I got to run this evening. I stopped sweating before I’d even finished 3 miles, so that’s why the splits are like they are.

Other things:

• Yesterday my mother-in-law picked up the used BOB jogging stroller that i saw on Craigslist for $150. They’ll bring it when they come next weekend.
• My mom and I went to a consignment sale (different from those expensive consignment shops) and got a ton of stuff for awesome deals. 
• I took more pictures, but haven’t even loaded them on my computer yet.
• I’ve lost another 0.6 lb from Thurs. to today. I’m going to have to start eating an extra spoonfull of peanut butter or something everyday.
• Related to that, I’m definitely the leanest I’ve ever been, even when I was near 120 in college for a couple months. I’m making myself not take a picture of my abs for my progress blog because then I’ll feel bad once I again a little back and they don’t look like this any more.
• I need to finish getting ready for bed now, so this is the end of the updates.

We were about 10 minutes south of the state line when we got the call.

Perfect timing, once again.

Last night was rough. He doesn’t like transitions. Instead of taking ~2 oz every 2-4 hours, he wanted to eat nearly every hour, but only about 1 oz. I couldn’t sleep any more after my dad & Jeremy left because I was so hungry. I get hungry pretty much every night.

Speaking of being hungry, thinking I was smaller wasn’t all in my head. This morning my weight was 128.8 (It was 131.2 last Wed.) & my waist & stomach are smaller, too. How about the progress of me actually being able to see myself.

This is even with eating out nearly every meal. I had no idea caring for a newborn required so much more food for myself. I can’t imagine if I had known ahead of time and had been able to prepare myself to nurse.

Back on my vitamins today, so hopefully that will help my hair out.