This post may be a bit incoherent because the subject matter is related in my head though it may not appear to make sense.
Also, if you would be offended when reading a person at a healthy weight say negative body image things, then just scroll past, but I’m not putting anything under a cut.
Respecting my fullness is hard, and not just because of my struggles with secret eating and boredom eating and random craving eating and so on.
It’s also hard because I fear going too far.
I’ve talked about how, during one semester in college, I wanted to lose the tiny bit of weight I had gained, and I started exercising pretty often and “eating only when hungry and stopping when full”- basically what respecting your fullness is. This started off with me having to snack pretty often. But it led to me feeling full on less and less until that turning point when it was 2 or 3 pm and all I’d had was a bowl of cereal (and my bowls of cereal have always been close to actually serving size since high school) and a few baby carrots and I wasn’t hungry, but nearly collapsed when getting off a bed.
So it scares me that I won’t be able to find balance. Because I’ve never really had balance. The swings of a pendulum may come out to an average, but that’s not balance.
I don’t trust myself to respect my fullness while still eating enough long term.
And then there’s respecting my body. It’s the 8th principle of 10, so I know it’s not something that should come until later, but it’s really the biggest struggle of all. It’s hard looking at old pictures and seeing how small I was, especially the ones from right after Ryland was born. I think about how I got all those comments from strangers about being so small after having a baby and feeling compelled to explain that he’s adopted. Then I gained weight and people stopped saying things.
Sometimes I like that I can actually fill out my bras, but then I turn sideways and see my protruding stomach and those thoughts quickly vanish. then I think, “How could I have let this happen again?” and “How can I fix it without being restrictive?”
And I wonder what I’ll look like if I do master eating intuitively and properly listen to my fullness signals.
And then I get mad for caring so much what I look like anyway.
I used to have a secret fitspo blog that I started when I still had hifitness after I stopped reblogging fitspo. I didn’t follow anyone I knew because I didn’t want to be found out. Sometimes I think about going back down that road of the fitspo/thinspo and making myself feel bad but actually losing weight and making another secret, anonymous blog and just carrying on a front here. I haven’t done it, though. Sorry to disappoint you that I think this way and would actually consider it. I’m right not to visit the blogs of new followers for fear of what I might find because These are still thoughts I struggle with. I know it’s ridiculous of a woman my age.
tl;dr: Intuitive Eating is hard. My head is still a mess